Trust
Journey of Trust
All relationships are built on trust and none more than the slave/Master relationship. To be slave you must be willing to trust this other person with everything you are, everything you have, and with all those little places in your heart that you don't share with another living soul on the planet.
It isn't an easy process. We are raised to take care of ourselves and we are raised in a world where we learn all too often that other people can't be counted on. We use those lessons as weapons to make excuses for why we don't trust. Oh so and so hurt me, and it in your head there is now justification to mistrust others. There is fear in giving up the control. We all do it, we call it baggage and we deal with it in just about every relationship we have.
When Master and I started our relationship we suffered this like all couples do. We each watched each other for signs that this other person would follow the patterns taught to us by those that hurt us along the way. There always seemed to be a testing of the waters in most things. We were seeking validation and confirmation that the risk was acceptable. Could we risk our hearts, could we risk our souls?
The hardest choices I have ever made in this relationship were always about trust. Master wants to do something... doesn't really matter what it is, but some part of me doesn't feel good about it. I want him to make a different choice. I want him to make that choice because I believe it to be the right choice. Not very slavish, right? No it wasn't slavish but it was human nature. We think someone should do something different and we want them to do what we think is correct. How do we handle that, well in my case that was telling Master what I thought was the way to go. Now the hard part comes when he doesn't agree with me. What now? Do I keep trying to push him to my way of thinking? Do I try to make him understand that I know what I am talking about and he should trust me? I suppose along the way I tried all that kind of stuff and more. The hardest and yet most important choice to make there is to trust.
Yes to trust that this person has the best intention. To trust that they know what they are talking about. To trust that they would do nothing intentionally to harm you or your relationship. There is the kicker huh? That word intentionally, we use it to make excuses for continuing to not trust, for continuing to not let go of the power and questioning what the choice is. Because you see we can say to ourselves well he isn't doing it intentionally but he is still messing it up. We can just keep trying to give them information until they "see the light" or in reality till they agree with us.
So how many of you out there are cringing and saying ouch... I see myself in that. I certainly saw myself in it all to often. And it wasn't just important issues where this came out but it was on even really stupid things. I saw myself working for control, not only of myself but of everything I came in contact with. It really wasn't because I wanted to take from others or even that I really wanted all that control, Hell that was one of the reasons why I wanted a Master cause I was tired of feeling like I was taking the whole world on my shoulders.
My problem was a simple one. I didn't trust. I didn't trust in the universe to make things okay. I didn't trust in Master to know his own mind and make the best choice. Sadder still I didn't trust in myself to have made the right choice when I said I would give up my control to Master. As this concept really began to sink into my soul, I saw how on even the smallest things this came into play and I was doing it without even thinking about what I was doing. I didn't even see it when it hurt Master's feelings because he could see that I wasn't trusting him.
I am glad to say... I have begun to learn to trust and I still continue to work on it. The best example I can give you is to relate a conversation I had with a friend over an issue we have been dealing with in our lives for better than 6 months.
Master's job went bye bye at the beginning of 2001. The big IT industry drop has really hurt and many people we know. It has been damn hard to live on almost no money for 6 months and we are way behind in the bills. Financially we are in hell, even to the point were we could loose our home. Ouch big time. My friend decided it would be fun to have a day out with me and take me to lunch. This friend loves me lots and I know this and in her concern she had many questions about our situation. I told her how thing stood and what choices Master was making in the area of job hunting. Confusion wracked her face, why wasn't Lee doing this and that? Why isn't he doing something, anything in order to make money? I answered her questions as best I could about why Master made the choices he has. My friend loves him as well, she wanted to help and she wanted to understand. Finally it came down to why wasn't I upset about it? Why wasn't I giving Master hell about it? The answer was easy... I trust him. She looked at me blankly trying to figure out how I could trust him like that. It was my life too, my home, my kids didn't I want to do something about it? Of course I wanted to do something about it because I wanted to feel useful. I wanted to do my part. But my part wasn't telling Master what to do. I could help him in the search, I could help him by keeping his home well run and telling him the status on stuff that affected our lives. I could make sure he had his stuff ready to go on job interviews. I could even go get a regular job to help support the family. What I couldn't and wouldn't do was question the choices he felt he had to make. My friend was in something close to shock over this. She told me how stressed out she would be and how she would just be chomping at the bit to solve this problem. She couldn't understand how I could do this. I thought some and explained. I love him and if I am willing to trust him with my safety, the course of my life, and my very soul then I can't turn around and tell him okay now it is stressful and I am not comfy with it so I will stop trusting you to make the right choices. This would just add stress to our lives, it would just make it harder for us both to deal with everything that is going on. So I could chew away at our relationship because I want that illusion of control. I am not sure she got what I was saying, but I would bet someday she does because there is a person in her life she loves with the same sort of strength and dedication and passion that I love Master.
See that is all it is illusion. I don't control Master, I don't control the world and I can't control how it all plays out. I can make efforts to control myself and how I behave and interact with the rest of the world. Letting go of that illusion has done a great deal with relieving the burden of stress I used to carry. I have let go of the frustration I used to feel over other peoples behavior. In doing so I have let myself be free of trying to take responsibility for other peoples behavior too. Doesn't mean I walk around all happy and saying gosh I love everyone. In fact there are many occasions where I deal with people whose behavior I don't like at all but now I don't see it as my job to fix it. I can accept it as it is and try damn hard to make sure I deal with them as little as possible. I trust in my instincts and myself. I trust in Master and his intentions. He has never given me any reason to not trust him. I trust my friends to be who they are warts and all and I can accept them that way. I also trust in the universe. You know even the worst things shall some day pass. One way or another all things change and move on. I know this. So I will enjoy the good when it is good and I will deal with the bad when it is bad. But good or bad it will move on and I will move on with it.
Try it some time and see if you are trusting those you should be trusting. Cause you may find that many of your reactions to them are based in the fear of loosing that all important illusion of control.