Are You?

Bottom, Submissive or slave?

During all the time that I have been in the "lifestyle" per say I have heard over and over again all the bickering about what is what and sadly even what is better. I don't know why people feel the need to decide on the labels but I guess in one form or another they are useful in dealing with describing ourselves to others. Over those years I have come to my own way of thinking about it too. Mind you then it is just my way of thinking that I will talk about here. You of course are free to feel as you wish and to use the descriptions that work for you. But remember to explain and discuss those definition with others because to share your point of view means you are sharing you are and what is important to you.

I saw a definition awhile ago that really did it all for me on what is the difference between a bottom, a submissive and a slave.

A Master falls down...
A bottom will say oh well and go find another Dom to play with.
A submissive will say oh boo hoo and cry for help from others.
A slave will get down and help the Master up and then ask what may I do for you Sir.

For me that was the clearest view I have ever seen when looking at the three. It has nothing to do with the value of who each is as much as it is a good clue for those Dom types about what they should be looking for. Why would a Dom want a slave if all he wanted was someone to beat on sometimes but wanted no other commitment from her? Why would he want a submissive who would feel the right or need to quibble about stuff if he really wanted someone who could take those blind orders? Do those definitions exist to help the bottom, submissive or slave? Only so they may tell others this is who I am because knowing who you are makes joining in a relationship an honest exchange between responsible people.

A bottom is in it for the play. It doesn't matter if the play is D/s in nature or just for the sensations of scene play. For them the play is the thing. When the play is over they will continue to be who they always were and not being submissive to anyone involved. There are times I wish I could have been a bottom, the ease of entering and exiting seems quite a benefit to me.

A submissive by definition probably isn't as clear in black and white as the bottom or the slave. A submissive by definition submits but how that is played out can take a million different forms. It can be just in the time frame of a scene or it can be in a long-term relationship. There may be contracts, there may not be. It is endless all the different ways a submissive relationship can be done. In the end though I think the key in identifying the submissive from the others is the notion of choice. Submissives know they are making short or long-term choices to follow those instructions set down by the Dom. And even if they never use the word... somewhere in the back of their minds they feel the freedom of the word "no". I started out in my relationship as a submissive. I tease Master these days about those days when I could still say "no". Yep it was back when I used the word "never" about getting body piercings or one of a hundred other things. I still had the option. To me being a submissive was easier to do. It didn't require nearly as much time in self-thought and I could be way more reactionary than I am today to what Master says and does. I don't think either Master or I ever worked to get me from submissive to slave. It happened as a very natural shift of things that we didn't even notice for a long time. We looked back one day and saw that I wasn't a submissive anymore... I was his slave.

I will talk more on this subject of slave because that is my world and one I am very comfortable in but I see many people saying they wish to be slave and having no real clue what that means. Mind you I can only give you what it means in my world and how I see it working with myself and others. Each person must live a life that works for them.

A slave gives up those choices. A slave fills the needs of the Master. Yes, of the Master not of their own definition of slave. Some would say there is only one way to be slave. You must follow this set course of conduct and rules. I don't believe this because for each Master there is a set course of what they desire. Since the devotion of slave is to Master the course set down by the Master is the only one that is valid. A slave can be a slave before there is a Master certainly but in order to be a good slave to that Master then they must adapt to the Master they have chosen to commit themselves too.

I have had many submissive friends tell me they are afraid that doing this adapting to the Master will mean loosing themselves. I tell you from my point of view I didn't get lost at all. In fact it finally allowed me to find myself. My biggest mistake on my journey to slavery to Master was trying to be that "perfect" slave. Not his perfect slave but the perfect slave by the definitions I had heard along the way. Big mistake! Instead of doing what pleased him I was doing what I thought would please him. "I thought" you see is the big error there. It wasn't what I knew would please him or even what he told me would please him but what I thought would please him. In the end all I learned how to do was say I was sorry a lot and loose myself cause I wasn't doing anything pleasing for either of us. When I returned to the idea that he was there because he already liked me and loved me... I began to really see I didn't need to change who I was to be his slave. The adapting one needs to do is in the how we do something not in the who we are. The adapting I did was learning to talk to him in a fashion that worked for him. I learned to accept him as graciously as he accepted me. I learned patience. I found a way to be wait for his direction instead of trying to read his mind or demand his direction. To each his own time and to each his own way. By being his slave I was saying I would adapt to his way even when it wasn't easy for me.

I recognize that it all sounds very one sided here. In the area of adoption of behavior lets face it, a slave has to be the one adapting. That is part of the value of being Master. If you don't want to adapt, don't be a slave you won't be happy. If you want it to be fair... don't be a slave. It won't be fair. Your fulfillment will not because you got what you wanted. It will be because you are taking joy from the joy you see in Masters faces. His delight in what you did for him or even his delight in who you are. There really is great joy in that if it is slavery you are seeking.

There are better words out there then mine of this subject. This site has many essays on slavery. It is written from the gay male point of view but the words and concepts are well worth the reading. I don't know that we will ever go to length of protocol that he describes but the articles on the journey are amazing!! And well worth the time and effort to visit. Click here!

As a side note to philosophy on this... Please don't confuse this with the idea of making choices that are harmful to the slave. I know lots of people who get into that whole extremist idea about that mean I could kill the slave and it would be fine. I could tell her to do anything and she would do it. Maybe the first thing that should be written on any definition of slave is that first on her list is taking care of self because without health mentally and physically there is no slave. You can't serve if you are sick, and you sure can't serve if you are dead. As slave to my Master my first priority is to make sure his life goes as smoothly and joyfully as possible. How can I do that if I am not okay?

Anyway so this all went a bit far a field but I hope you got something out of it. I hope you learned something about yourself. Whatever title you find fits you best be honest about your expectations and who you are because this relationship needs more honesty with yourself then may have never needed before but the great part is that you will be loved more honestly than ever before.