Kindness

Kindness is a very under rated skill.  It really isn’t in my nature to be kind.  Most times the first thing that occurs to me is just some smart ass comment.  Or even to tell the friend in need that they should stop with the self pity.  Really sometimes I do say the smart ass comment and the ugly truth.  My friends, who love me, know I am going to do that sometimes, like me for it sometimes and I am sure want to kill me for it sometimes. But that same lack of bullshit means they also totally count on me to tell the truth.  I have discovered with age and wisdom comes the reality that you don’t have to give up truth in the face of kindness.

It sounds like such a small thing but really it isn’t.  We have all heard about random acts of kindness but I think people forget to be kind to those closest to them most often.  We take each other for granted and don’t spend the time to think about being kind.  Is please and thank you so hard to say?  Why is sorry so impossible for those we love impossible when we can say it to a stranger over the smallest thing?  Why do we ask the pardon of strangers but not the people we live with each day?

Let me give you an example, when Master was without a job, feeling a serious lack of confidence and depression, I was worried all the time about the future of our family and even of our relationship.  I didn’t know for sure that we could survive all that was going on long enough to get back to being “us”.  Some people might have taken that out on each other.  There was that option to be harsh and bitter over things outside my control, to blame him for not being able at change the situation.  I could have gone that way but really we were both already suffering so much that I just couldn’t.  My choice instead was to be kind, to be patient.  In the end, time did change the situation, patience was rewarded.  I think Master made the same choice, because even though life as a whole sucked really badly, he didn’t treat me badly.  By making the choice to be kind to each other, and our kids, we stayed tight as a family, we all got to the other side of it, and while not totally undamaged by the stress, none of suffered to the core of our relationships.

I didn’t make that choice in my first marriage.  For years I tried to make it, I tried to be kind, but the kindness was never rewarded, in fact it was usually taken advantage of, until by the end of our relationship I couldn’t work up to any kind of kindness in my soul.  This person had hurt me so much, that I just didn’t care if he hurt anymore. 

I see a great many people I know having problems.  Life gets hard.  There is pain, anger, fear and so many other things that weigh us down.  What scares me is when I see those people I care about running out of kindness for each other.  When they can no longer find the kindness to really care for their partner, what is left but emptiness? Share a hug, a smile, a laugh, an ear to a much told story, make the persons you love never feel you have left them without your kindness.

Show kindness to the people who work day in and day out.  The cashier, the bag boy, the parking lot attendant, the nurse, the teacher and the people who spent their life in the service of others.  It seems a small thing I know but if you have ever been overworked and underpaid, you should understand that while our society would be a mess without them, they are treated as less than important.  Your kindness gives them the respect they are due.

Perhaps most important person you should lavish your kindness on is yourself.  When was the last time you looked in the mirror and smiled at yourself?  Not because today you looked good but because of the person you are.  I know so many people men and woman both who are filled with such self loathing it just makes me want to cry.  The things they would never say to a loved one or even a friend, they will say to themselves.  They hold themselves to some totally insane standard that they wouldn’t hold anyone else to.  Why?! It makes me nuts!  The reality is that most people who really suck, never even question what they are doing, they have such skills at self deception that issues in their life are always someone else’s doing.  They never question their rightness with the world, so the mirror never holds the unreasonable horror that so many people see.

While you are practicing being kind to those you love, your friends, and the cashiers, stop and remember to be kind to yourself too.  Pat yourself on the back for the little things; give yourself a break on the big stuff.  Don’t hold yourself to some standard that you would never hold another person to.  Just be kind.   There isn’t a one of us that doesn’t screw up, there isn’t one of us that doesn’t hurt other people, we are just people, flawed and imperfect.  Remember that and be kind. 

We never touch people so lightly that we never leave a trace. What you put out in the world always comes back.