Loss of BDSM
I think this is one of those really sort of quiet and desperate issues that long term couples face in a BDSM lifestyle and yet almost no one talks about it. The classes are always for the new people or on subjects the new people want to learn about. I have yet to see a class given on how the get the BDSM back in a relationship when it has fallen away under the stresses of life. Where is the get romance back in your life for the kinky people? Yeah, I can’t find it either but I sure have been there, done that enough and is still something of an ongoing challenge.
In the beginning, in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, good lord there always seemed to be enough time and desire to play. If you could fit it in 24/7 you would be. Even with kids in the house we always seemed to work it out and the time between play was never all that much.
Then it happened, like the slow creeping fog…it slowed down. Kids got older and didn’t go to bed early and damn it didn’t sleep as soundly. They also knew what the noises meant and the ignorance of youth was lost. Problems came up with time, jobs, money, stress, health, etc. There was always something and it all just kept pushing the BDSM part of our lives onto that back burner, but damn it how big can stove be when you look back and realize it has been months since you have shared a scene or even really shared some good kinky fun?
It sucks! Yet every long term couple I know in the lifestyle has faced this. Even the most kinky of us, who never seemed to have any distractions from the fun of play has run into that issue. None of us like it, our Master’s seem at as big a loss to solve the problem as the subbies do. Everyone just sort of gets lost and damn it you start to feel like you having a vanilla relationship, yikes!
Okay that is the doom and gloom, sorry! I really want some expert in all this to write a book on how the hell to deal with this but in the mean time I will throw in my two cents worth and hope it helps someone or at the very least it lets those of you dealing with it know that you aren’t alone, and really like all things in life this too shall pass.
There are the easy details of life to take care of to make room for it your life again and then there are the mind things that can help you get motivated to play. Let’s start with the details:
Make dates for kinky fun. It can be in or out of the house. If it is at home try and find a place for the kids to spend the night. Or visit your local dungeon. Really if you are just working on putting it back together, spend as much time around other kinky people as you can, at classes, parties, whatever. Having that head space and energy around you will help you find the mood too. Even if you don’t play just the energy will make you feel better.
Make and enforce bed times with your kids. Teens especially seem to think staying up late is a right. Well it isn’t and while we are more slack in the summer, during the school year we want the kids the hell in their beds at about 10, they still have to get up at like 6 and we want some time alone with each other before we go to bed for the night.
If you have given up the traditions of your relationship because of the stress of life, put them back in place. If you always got him a cup of coffee but stopped…do it again. If you always called him or her a pet name but have stopped doing it…do it again. If you always used to receive the collar on your knees…well damn it get down there. Most of that stuff starts with not doing it a time or two because something else came up but as you loose more ground suddenly these things you used to do all the time are things you never do anymore.
On the mental side of things it can actually be a bit harder. When you are tired, stressed and overwhelmed with life it seems so much easier to just put this shit on be back burner. Get up and get your own damn coffee! Kind of thinking. But if you keep doing that long enough it changes who you are and really who you wanted to be and who you promised to be. When that urge comes up to just blow it off, make yourself step past it, take a deep breathe, make it what it used to be, the pleasure and joy of service. I can hear you grinding your teeth from here. The lip is coming out and you are probably feeling like why doesn’t that top do this extra stuff, why is it always me? No good answer. It has to come down to; do you want to lay blame or do you want to fix the problem? If you want to fix it than do it, if you want it to stay the same then just keep doing the same thing and it will stay the same too.
Now for all you Dom’s out there. I have dealt with Master loosing his mind. His ego taking a huge dive. I have seen him look like a beaten man. I have Dom friends that I have seen and still see suffering this same agony. And you know what? You all get lost there badly!! You tell us it isn’t us…it is you…blah blah blah. Yeah we know that LOL. But help a subbie out! I know you are hurting, you are scared, you don’t want to burden the person you are supposed to take care of, you feel like you are failing. Did I miss anything? Probably but I bet it is all along the same lines. I am not in any way saying you can’t or shouldn’t feel all these things. You are human and we know that. We love you for your heart as well as your sadistic nature. The problem for us is that when you get lost in your own pain, you close down. You withdrawal all the stuff that gives us a solid footing and suddenly we are scared to death too. Not because we are all that consumed with the problems of life but because the very foundation of our lives, that relationship with you, feels like it isn’t there any more.
Please don’t mistake that I am talking about playing. I am not, that is just the shortest quickest way to exchange energy. So yep when we are scared we want more play and when you are hurting you don’t want to play for a hundred reasons. Well Dom person you better work on finding a way to exchange that energy and let that subbie know you are still there. It can be from some very good cuddles on the bed or couch. It can just be holding a hand and taking the walls down enough for them to feel you. And if you feeling very brave talk to us, let us share the weight with you. Let us hold you when you need it. Let us know with word and deed that rejecting us is in the really the farthest thing from what you want.
I know all the above sounds a bit harsh and unsympathetic to all the parties involved but folks I have walked this road and as they say hind sight is 20/20. I can see where both Master and I went wrong and I see my friends making the same mistakes and while I tried to help them by talking to them as I am to you…the pain for all those involved has gotten to much and they haven’t put it back in place yet. We got lucky…the universe finally came into alignment. Master found himself and I found my subbie self again too.
Be fair warned people…like all great gifts you have to spend time to nurture it. You can’t take it for granted. You can’t assume you will just get back to it later when things have all calmed down. This is life it may never calm down or it might but it may be too late. Is that a risk you are willing to take?
Master and I still aren’t at the level we were in the honeymoon and I am not sure we will ever be there. We have two grown kids and two teens in the house. Jobs and money stuff, you know…freaking life but Master has been spending time keeping his mind there. We sort of made a standing date for some kinky fun and try to give it time. Neither of us is perfect at trying to make it all work but we are being mindful. Sometimes just knowing it is there and having the same desire is enough to keep you on solid ground too. LOL What kills me is that somehow every time we manage to get both kids out of the house and we have made plans to play something happens. It is always something annoying or stupid but enough too really throw the play energy out the window. It is like this damn bad joke! But we keep at it even if we know it probably won’t happen when the kids are both gone away.
Hang in there folks, I know it is hard. I know I hated it and I know it frustrated Master too. If you can keep loving and giving and being patient this too shall pass and you will move into another phase of life too.