Collars
Collars
There has been much discussion about collars in our household over the years. It seems everyone, online and real time has a different definition of what it all means. Like most things in the lifestyle it seems to be everyone is doing what works for them and really that is how it should be. There is no point in pretending there is only one set of rules for everyone if that was the case we would all be straight vanilla people LOL.
For us Collars have always come with different definitions. They each came with one promise in common…Master would give his guidance, counsel, strength, and shoulder as needed. It is no more and no less than that. We tend to identify this as a collar of protection. It allows the submissive to get the shoulder she needs and feel more protected out in the world. All too often predatory Dom’s will just get relentless with a submissive real time or online. They can’t take no as a graceful answer. Truthfully Master has also given that collar to submissives that just had a damn hard time staying focused or being able to say “no” to people. It allowed them to use him as the buffer or the bad guy as needed.
It works much like it does with my kids, silly sounding as that is. I have told my children since they were little that when faced with hard choices or peer pressure they should use me as the bad guy. Tell the friends “Have you seen my mother? Do I look like I want to die? She will kill me.” That kept the wolves at a distance and made sure they had a way out no matter what the situation was. It works great for them. That Collar of protection has done much the same thing “No, I can’t go out, Master Lee says I need to stay in and get rest.” You get the idea, a buffer can be a life saver. Master have given those submissives the same tool for dealing with pressure that they can’t find an easy way out of.
Master collar to me has those qualities but also comes with all the commits of marriage and benefits too. While Master and I on paper have only been married a few years, in my heart it has been since he gave me that first collar almost 13 years ago. It is a pretty simple deal, everything and anything is between us. It has no limits on it. While I don’t wear the actual collar all that often I have a necklace that never comes off, in fact it tied with a leather string and has no clasp. I also have an anklette that hasn’t been off my ankle in like 12 years except the few time the chain on broken, it also has no clasp. I also have two “story of O” rings, one on each hand that I never take off. In fact when the wedding ring was added to my left hand I kept my O ring with it too. These are always constant reminders for me. They are symbols of our commitments to each other.
Perhaps the most complicated collar Master has given out was too those women who he had a poly relationship with. He has pretty much the same commitment that he gave when he gave mine to me. He has only given that collar to one person to date and she didn’t treat him or it well. It was soon returned and he was hurt. He would give one to our current third but for her own reasons she doesn’t wish to take a collar. While our poly situation works nicely for all of us now, she still wants to find her own “Master Lee” that special soul mate to share all of her life with. Both Master and I can understand that and would never wish to prevent her from doing that. However she knows herself well enough to know that if she took Master’s collar she would quit looking and be closing down that part of herself that is looking for that future. Even if it was just defined as a collar of protection she knows she wouldn’t keep it in her heart to that limit. So for now, while she still uses him as the buffer when needed she doesn’t wear his collar.
Gets confusing doesn’t it? Great advice? Probably not but I would suggest that when a collar is exchanged that both people figure out what each person is promising and how they are defining it.
In fact if you are going to start a BDSM relationship there should be a lot of stuff defined. Friends of mine were re-starting a relationship. Communication had failed badly the first time around and the second time around they are trying to make sure they both know what their parts are. They asked me to read their negotiation contract. It was 8 pages long!! I understood their intent but I also knew it was too much; you can’t define all that much about life. Doing that only seems to lead to failure for all those involved.
In the end I suggested they work on keeping it simple. Each of them write the list of the top 5 important things they needed to have in a relationship and then the top 5 things that would be deal breakers. After that they both needed to write definitions for what that meant. Really honesty sounds really good but saying you want it all the time is crap. Yes, Honey those pants make you look fat but really it because you are huge. Who wants to hear that? If you are both swingers but the word fidelity and monogamy shows up on that list, it better be defined to know just what that meant. The friends have told me it really helped them clarify their goals in the relationship and what is the important stuff to them.
The point is that collar or no collar, real time or online, first and foremost no matter what the “rules” are set down by others or the suggestions by helpful friends too, everyone in the relationship needs to stand up in their own truth and make the definitions that work for them. Don’t judge others either just respect their choices.