Master / slave Then...
Just a note for you readers…This section will just cover the very beginnings of our relationship. I read it now, in 2009, and really I am not that woman anymore, LOL. After all it was 13 years ago now and many roads have been traveled but all of them begin with one step, so here you all folks, the first steps. There will be more about the relationship in other articles but this is the beginning.
For me there wasn't a time for me when I wasn't submissive in my soul. I can remember from a very early age having those dark desires. Not wanting to be simply held but held hard and with passion.
As I moved though the relationships in my life I tried to tell the men I shared my bed with about my desires, to be owned, to serve. Somehow it always fell short. They could never quite understand that I really did want that, I really did want to take orders, and get spankings. They could only see the woman I sent into the world; they could never see past the mask I would wear to protect myself from the world. That hard self-confident woman was really a slave dying for release. If these men would even give my desires a try, it was only a game, and I wanted it to be my life. But for the time being the game had to do.
When I met the man who was to become my Master, I wasn't looking for him. I was a strong, in control (some would say controlling) woman. I took care of everything and everyone around me. But I wasn't happy doing it. I wanted someone to take that weight off my shoulders, to be my partner and my leader. As a long time married woman, I thought I was just going to be doing it this way forever. His arrival in my life really was a gift, and his acceptance, love and understanding has been my salvation from a life of unfulfilled desires.
At first, our relationship was mostly a game that we played in bed. It was fun! His skills with a whip came extremely easily. But I wanted more... always more. I was impatient. After tons of reading and lifetime of dreaming I wanted it all and I wanted it now. There were times on this journey that my impatience risked ending this part of our relationship. But Master kept his head and kept us both on course.
I was silly enough in the beginning to think I could top from the bottom. Oh how that makes me laugh now. I now realize Master only gives me what I want because it is what he wants too. This man can't be topped from the bottom. I kept trying to push it, and the only result was I got less instead of more of what I wanted. For any new slaves that might be reading this... trust me on this... don't push!! If you can push... and get away with it, ask yourself if this is really what you want? I can with every cell of being recommend total surrender as the greatest joy, and in my opinion you can only find this when you find the Master or Mistress who won't be topped from the bottom.
I will be forever grateful that Master had more patience than me. I will also thank a sister submissive and friend, Paula, who spent many hours talking to both Master and I when it got hard for us to make our heads clear with was going on. He grew in his role as Dominant. It changed life for both of us. I was filled with a confidence that I had never known. Suddenly I felt beautiful, (WOW) and I felt talented and there really wasn't anything I couldn't do if I had him next to me. And something I had never known in my perfectionist vision of myself, was that it was okay to fail too. Just an note here, for you Dom's out there...if you need a mentor, talk to a submissive. They will understand things in a way that you won't see and they will understand your subbie when you can't.
I was trying to explain to a vanilla friend that pretty much all the success I had enjoyed the last couple years is shared with my Master. From her point of view, I was just giving credit where none was due. After all I already had all the talents, I just used them now. What I had to explain was that because he could push me to go for it, but still leave me knowing it was okay if I didn't make it, I was free at last to reach for the dreams I was too scared to chase after before then.
Master felt the effects on his soul too, he found a new source for his personal strength. He found he could channel it more, and make things happen in more than just the D/s side of his life. He learned and he taught. I grew in my submission. I surrendered to loving him and trusting him. I surrendered and found the greatest joy I have ever known.
Below is the letter I sent to my Master, the morning I realized where the journey had taken me.
Darling Master, I am coming to new realizations in my head about us and our relationship.
Last night after you went to sleep... it really sunk in for me, for the first time, to all those little back corners in my mind that I have surrendered to you. I no longer believe that there are parts hidden in me that even you can't touch. I know you could. I no longer believe that submission and slavery to one person is a game for lovers, because I know in my heart that it is so much more. I no longer think that on the important stuff I could tell you flat out no, and be able to maintain it.
As you can guess for a woman that has spent most of her life being very independent, this was a pretty amazing thing to realize in the fullness of things. All these years I dreamed about this stuff, all those stories and fantasies I read, it just seemed they couldn't be real. I couldn't believe one person could feel that way about another, without it involving brain washing or some other kind of abuse.
Yet my surrender isn't based on abuse, or even brain washing. You didn't make me do this, you didn't force me to it, and you didn't even manipulate me to it. It was born of Love and trust and time and growth.
And although there will be times when I think I can put the bitch pin back on, LOL, and that I can disregard your wishes. Forever in my mind will be the image of last night. Held tightly to your body, your strong arm holding me tightly to you, your warm breath on my back, and the wonderful feeling of being loved completely, of being safe, of being happy, of knowing there is nothing more beautiful than that smile you give me, or of seeing the love in your eyes when you look at me.
So with demure eyes... .and shy smile, I shall go.
I love you Master
Your slave forever
anna
There were others who made this journey smoother too. I think one of the most important things I learned about all this was the need to find support and shared stories with those people that felt the same way. I made friends with other subs on the net, who I could share my feelings with. Maybe the greatest thing they did for me, when I wasn't able to think clearly, they reminded me why I was doing this, what the pay off was. There were Dom's too who helped me remember it was the trust and surrender that I had longed for.
For both of us getting involved in APEX (our local BDSM support group) was a very good thing for addressing those feelings of isolation that sometimes comes with this lifestyle. At the Erotic Art show, I finally had the chance to meet and get to know my fellow members of APEX. Oh what a joy that was!! Spending two entire days surrounded by people who took me as I am and never judged. It was the first time in my life I could tell all the truths of my life and have it taken as totally normal.
The total acceptance of APEX members felt like coming home. Since that time we have spent a great deal of time going to meetings and parties. Enjoying the fellowship of other's who can understand. I recommend to anyone making their way on this road of D/s seek out all others who share these passions.
I wrote all those words about a month or so back, and since then things have traveled on, as things do. I wanted to share some special milestones on the road with you, the reader.
Just a couple weeks ago, for the very first time my Master and I played at APEX. Let me explain what that means. At APEX, they have play stations on the "gold" carpet and if you want to do a scene you stake out your spot and play. They have Dungeon Masters that monitor the play on floor, to make sure it stays safe, sane and consensual. While you are out on the gold, on the blue carpet are other members, sitting around tables, talking, watching and socializing. Although there is a great deal of play, lots of whips and chains sort of thing, there isn't overt sexual activity. In other words, all these months that we have been going, we never saw anyone have sex on the gold carpeted area. It was just lots of BDSM play of every kind.
For months, pretty much since the erotic art show, we have been going to the parties. These parties happen almost every weekend, they are for members only or members of sister organizations. Every other Saturday, we would go and enjoy the company of our friends, hang out, and just have a very good time.
We had talked about playing there but at first neither of us were very comfortable. As the months went by, being the more social person in our relationship, I was ready to play. I wanted to use the dungeon equipment, I wanted to be able to enjoy the play without the interruptions of home life. However, Master is a fairly quiet and private man. He isn't really a person that you would call a "show off". Since to date we had only played at home, he wasn't really feeling comfortable enough to extend our play to the more public area of APEX.
A couple months or so ago, Master decided he was ready to play there... oh wow, I was so excited. The entire idea of being strapped down over the horse and having my butt whipped on was this slaves happy dreams. But sadly, like lots of good ideas, this one didn't come to pass either. Things in fate conspired to make play impossible. Sadly, it was back to being patient and waiting again.
Other nights would be spent doing other things at APEX but still no play. Let me tell you being patient sometimes is the hardest thing in the world. Then for reasons known only to Master, he decided to spank my butt, each morning before leaving for work. He did this for a week. I was a happy camper, what a great way to start the day, hehehe. By the time Saturday arrived I was ready for a big session and lots of fun. Once again though, I thought I had lost the chance when fate again sort of stepped in and began to mess up that positive mood, that is required to enjoy playing.
There I sat after a week of prep work, feeling for sure that this party was over, ready to resign myself to another nights hopes dashed on the rocks of the pesky details of life. I sat with what I am sure was a sort of sad face and internally just dealt with it. Master had said nothing one way or another. Then out of ,what felt like no where, he turns to me and tells me to take the toy bag, go lay claim to the horse, take off my dress, and put the cuffs on, then wait for him.
I have to say at first my head just reacted with, "what, no way, not in the mood at all, it got lost on stupid stuff." For once I was smart enough to not let those words cross my lips. No way was I going to turn down an offer that I have been waiting so long to get. My discomfort over a lack of mood on my part, would go away as soon as the whip touched my skin, I would be there and very happy for it.
I followed his directions, and then waited for him at the horse. He strapped me face down length wise to the horse. A little adjusting here, a little there, and I then I felt the first kiss of the whip. Oh my God!! What can I say... it was great, it was scary, it was liberating. He did a fantastic job, and we had a great time. I can't tell you how long it went on, as a slave I have never been any good at keeping track of time while in a scene. It seemed to be going on forever, and then again it seemed over in an instant. I didn't get to go flying in sub space, mostly I think because of the new environment, and the new experience. All and all though, it was fantastic. I felt released and free, I loved the feel of my well spanked butt. I even felt relief that the anticipation of playing at APEX was released. I also looked forward to more play there.
It has only been a couple weeks since that first play session and yet just opening that door led to other things too.
Last night, we attended the 10th anniversary party for APEX. Everyone was in their best ready for a night of fun. It was also very darn hot, with the humidity up, and more people in APEX than I have ever seen before. One person said, it was like church on Christmas, where everyone shows up for their yearly visit. Between the awards, dinner and waiting for the visitors to leave room, it was a long time before anyone was playing much.
As we moved among the crowd of people, over and over again I was stopped and complimented. Now since I was wearing a very naughty dress, you would think it would have been the dress that caught the attention, but it wasn't. It was the cutting I asked Master to give me the night before. I had asked for curves along the swell of my breast in the center. He took that further and made what looked like a graphic symbol of upward cupped hands letting go of a small bird. It was way more than I envisioned and well worth it too, cause it was lovely. Over and over again my friends told me how good it looked and how nice the work was. I just beamed with pride and told them Master did it for me, and agreed with them totally that it was a wonderful job.
One of the friends that approached me about is a gal I had only spoken to once before there. We had gotten into a conversation about clit hood piercings, and by the end of it she was ready to go get hers done. We exchanged numbers and knew we would see each other again since she comes from out of town to visit APEX often.
As she was there that night, of the 10th anniversary party, I took the chance to introduce this lively lady to my Master. She complimented him on his fine work with a blade, and some how the entire nights events would work from there out. As the conversation went on, we ended up with Master volunteering to give her, her very first cutting. At first, maybe it was just teasing from both sides. But as the night went on, Master felt the idea was a good one, and so did she.
I guess I should address the issues of sharing here. In the recent past, two other friends pretty actively pursued my Master to play with them. But some how neither Master or myself felt all that comfortable about it. I didn't have the words to put to it at the time, but now I think I know what was bothered us most. It was the pursuing and relentless way that they went after Master, as though they were on a hunt. It was the feeling like they wanted more than just to enjoy the fun of the moment. It seemed to have so much cost behind it, that it was difficult to feel that it was the right choice to make.
So here were Master and I, and this lady friend, getting ready for this first cutting. And his first play with another person besides me. I think the biggest difference was that she came it as if was a loan, with no intentions past that moment of enjoyment, and friendship after. The more casual and relaxed attitude of joyous fun made it very easy to want to play with her.
Master, being the ever-honorable man that he is, checked with one of our resident experts to see what the procedures were for doing a cutting at APEX. He took the time to talk with our friend and make sure they both knew what they wanted out of it. As each moment passed, I was prouder of him. The care he gave to it was so warm that I just beamed with pride that this was my Master.
All the preparations were in order for the cutting, and somehow we even ended up with other people wanting to watch. With her seated, and the friends kneeling behind, me in front of her, he began the cutting, taking all the steps to make sure everything was just right. He laid 8 small shallow lines on her shoulder. Much to her amazement, it didn't hurt. The show was over.
But for any of you that may know about cuttings it is a slow generating event. The cutting itself isn't the thrill that you might think it to be. It is the time frame after as the body reacts slowly to the cuts made in it. There is the rush of endorphins and the sort of flying feeling that comes about 10 minutes after it is done. And then there is the wonderful stinging feeling as it begins to seal again, and becomes tight.
As these feelings worked on her, we watched the drama of those emotions and physical reactions play over her face and body. She now understood about the slow burn of cutting, because it was now setting her on fire, she wanted to play more, she wanted to be cut more, and she wanted to be flogged.
I told her that she should ask my Master. At first, I think they both thought I was kidding, but I never was. As the evening wore on I assured both of them that playing would be fine with me. I told them both I didn't have a problem with it because; I knew she didn't have any further designs on my Master. I told Master that I wasn't even in that big a mood to play myself that night, and I knew it would be fine. It took awhile but at last they both agreed it would be fun to play.
They decided all the rules of play, they waited for the play station to open up that they wanted to use. When it finally did, all three of us went over and took care of making the preparations for the scene. She would take off her top and have her back flogged, but would be leaving her skirt on. After she was cuffed to the big X, topless and eager, Master began.
From my point of view it was incredible. There I was watching him do the things he has done to me a million times. But I had never seen him do it to anyone else. I was never able to watch him do it to me. He started out slowly and built up more and more in strength and intensity. She was having a great time! She laughed, she moaned, she called for God, she let loose a small scream or two, and jumped pretty from foot to foot. Over and over this cycle went, soft, medium, hard, with a few shocking stinging blows along the way. He worked her shoulders, her back and her thighs and her butt. She had never done much more than having her back and shoulders flogged, but she was enjoying the new experience of having her butt and thighs brought into the equation. In fact, she was having so much fun that she had Master take off the skirt, to allow a better shot at her butt. Hehehe Those limits turn to liquid when the pain is that pleasant.
I watched him work her like an artist paints a painting, and for the first time I really got see how very lucky I am to have him. He checked on her often, and was so sweet about it, he caressed her, and spoke to her. He teased her and laughed with her. She called him "evil" which I think in the BDSM community is one hell of a great compliment. And while all this was going on, I sat and watched, helped where I could, getting a drink of water and such but mostly I just beamed with pride and joy.
It seemed to go on for a very long time, but again I couldn't tell you how long. Master, once again showing his wonderful honorable nature decided she had had enough. She was so lost in her own lovely body that I think she might well have been there for hours more if given the chance but he had the situation in hand and knew it was time to stop. A blanket wrapped around her hot shoulder, hugging and more caring consideration took place. The toys were put up. Lots of thanks were shared back and forth. She told it us was nice to play with "safe" people. And I knew what she meant, because I know that under my Masters hands no one will ever suffer from abuse. They will always be treated with respect and caring, as I am every day of our lives together.
It was time to bask in the glow, and enjoy the effects of this outing. Once we were all outside, she sat down in the chair, and let out the very nice squeal that only comes from having a very tender butt. Each time she shifted there was another moan escaping her lips. Master had done a damn fine job of making sure she had fun, and remembered it for days to come, hehehe. She felt as satisfied as if she had just had wonderful sex, and yet what happened between them was never sexual in content per say. Master was riding the wave of fun too, as he let his evil giggle fill our ears each time she moaned.
At last it was time to go home, and what should we find out, but it was 4:15 am. I don't even know how it got that late!! Time flies when you are having fun I guess. Master told me he needed to work out his feelings about the nights events. But for me it was so easy, I was just damn proud... wanted to stand on the roof and yell "See this handsome man! He loves me, he is my Master, and I am the luckiest slave in the world because I have love and passions satisfaction beyond all my dreams." Can there be anything better than knowing the man in your life is as wonderful as you thought he was? Is there more satisfaction in knowing that he is the caring person you knew him to be? Is there anything more wonderful than knowing you can trust him completely? I don't think so!
I know our lady friend enjoyed herself a great deal. I really hope she enjoys that flogging for days to come!! Hehehe As I know having a tender butt for days after is part of the fun, take you back to that wonderful head space and let you enjoy reliving those moments of pure pleasure.
I hope Master will again decide to share his skills with other woman because I know there are way too many tops out there that don't begin to have the same nature that he does. I think now I would almost feel like I was greedy and stingy if I kept him all to myself. I know there will be other times that he and I play at APEX. I know there will be other woman along the way who will want to feel the bite of his whip. And I continue to be, as I always will be, proud, joyful, loving and devoted to this wonderful man, who allows me the greatest compliment, each time I call him Master.
Much time has passed since I wrote all these words. We are still happy and secure in our relationship. Things have gone well and things have gone badly but we still love each other and the roles we choose to put ourselves in.
May 2001
All this time later...Yes Master has played with other woman. And it has always been a pleasure to see him work. I am very proud of him and who he is. He continues to be a man of honor and when I call him Master I mean it with all my heart. The day will come when I will call him Husband as well and I look forward to that too. Life is good! One of the plays he gets asked for most often is do cuttings for other woman. He is quite the expert now, check out the sections on cuttings in the body modification.