Master / slave Now...

It has been a long time since I actually updated about our relationship, M/s or otherwise.  This is the first time I will be writing anything about since 2001, it hardly seems possible that so many years have passed but it has and really the nature of life in the years between has changed a great deal for us in those years.

Did you notice that after 9-11 nobody wanted to do anything?  Well in the process both Master and I had some serious down turns in life and then later up again.  That is the thing isn’t it?  You can’t separate your BDSM life from your day to day life.  He is Master always and I am slave always but that doesn’t stop the day to day from intruding and affecting all that we do and feel.  I can’t even write about our BDSM life without having to address what the day to day did to us.

Master’s career path took a dump and along with it, so did his ego and ability to be the Master he has been before.  It was incredibly difficult for all of us to see him suffer and not be able help or pull him out of the whole he was falling into.  For my part, I was doing what I could to keep home and sanity together, working outside the home and nope no one wanted to buy art.  In fact, for a few years there it was just an endless trail of robbing peter to pay paul and praying we find the funds to get through another month. 

On the kink side of life, we pulled back from our community more than probably should have.  But we couldn’t afford to go to Apex, and just hanging out with our friends could be hard.  It is hard to be the people who life is in the toilet and try and figure out nice chatter to have at a party.  Master worked when he could and I kept getting us by but the M/s relationship bit by bit began to slip away. 

The hardest part for me is I needed his strength and energy to get through and yet when he was hurting that bad, he could only pull in tighter and tighter.  It was just a get from day to day.  In the summer of 2004, things finally began to turn around.  Master got a job offer in Las Vegas.  At the same time our home was going into foreclosure, so with a good housing market we took the sale for cash, he took the job and we moved to Vegas.   

Then we started the process of rebuilding our M/s relationship.  The length of our relationship allowed us to have the strength to hold it together.  We just kept trying to make sure we didn’t punish each other for the stress and fear we both felt.  However while the core of our love was alive and well, the trust and confidence that is required to have an M/s relationship was damaged. 

It really wasn’t that much of an issue for Master, mostly he had to just get back into the swing of things, bad pun intended.  His ego was still a bit fragile and my responses didn’t help much.  I was scared to death to put it all back out there.  You know it is hard enough to jump off the cliff the first time not knowing what is there when you make that commitment to submit, it is another thing altogether to know what is there and making the choice again to take the risk. 

Really in my head I wanted to just shoot that part of myself that has to take over when I am in survival mode, because really she is something of a whacked bitch.  As a good friend pointed out to me, I needed to embrace it and be grateful.  After all that part of me allowed us to survive and while it wasn’t the favorite part of myself it was the strongest.  I spent some time really meditating on that whole process and came to see that I could allow that part of myself to take a back seat and allow the vulnerable self to come out again.  I won’t kid you and say this all happened in short order, it didn’t.  It was months and many missteps.  I was still scared all the time that something would go wrong. 

Master did the two best things in the world for me.  First he promised that he would never let this happen again.  Master doesn’t make promises lightly and I knew he meant it.  The other thing he did was keep pushing lightly and being patient even when I was being erratic.  Time was a great healer from the fear of letting down that guard and over time I was able to let it down.

We did build our M/s relationship again.  Truthfully it did loose some of that, dare I say it, innocence, which it used to have.  For me there is a bit of cynicism about it now because I know it can be taken away.  It isn’t all bad though because we know we can fix it when it fails.  It won’t kill us.  I also know Master is going to keep his word.  Being in the computer industry, job changes are pretty common but since this serious down turned happened and he promised me he would never go there again, he has dealt with it like a champ.  He had a plan right away and jumped on it immediately.  At no time have we suffered from a job change or spent years in hell either. 

Here we are now in 2009, the BDSM is back and the M/s relationship is strong.  I have to give credit to Master because at this point he is probably more driven then ever that even in the busiest of times and other distractions we still need to keep the M/s present in our life.  We just on playing and loving and living and life is good.