Lee's words to another
This was written by Master to a friends ex-boyfriend. I won’t get into all the complicated bits of that situation but the content of the advice was so good that I thought it really deserved voice here too. So men, top or bottom…pay attention.
So, towards mentoring:
The letter you wrote demanding that she not contact her friend.
Totally wrong. Everyone that plays knows that a bad sign is isolation. Telling her to not contact her friend was a major warning sign. We, as a community encourage communication. It's healthy, and whether you knew it or not safe calls were set up before your first meeting, and maintained until she was comfortable enough with you. Discouraging that line of communication is a major red flag.
BDSM is all about power exchange. The bottom empowers the top to treat her in a way that normal society sees as, kindly, unusual. Being a top, or Dom, or Master all involves using the power the bottom, submissive or slave hands to you to further their own personal goals. Once this power is removed from the top's control, the power exchange is done. You can't force it back, you can't war through it, you can't cajole or beg or anything else. It's done.
Unfortunately, that's about all the mentoring I'll be doing for you. Learn that, and you've taken a big step forward
I don't know if you've never been around a strong woman, or just never paid enough attention to one to understand a couple things, so I'll try to spell it out for ya. Women see things differently than men do.
Men will work to solve an issue, only after it's became a major issue.
We miss all the warning signs that could have solved the problem a long time past, but in our busy lives of living, we miss the easy fixes, ignore the minor problems and put them off until they start affecting us in a real way. We then work to solve the problem.
Women, on the other hand, work to fix minor issues as they come up.
They try to resolve every small problem, and they will solve every one of them, each time they come up. It's the way they are.
Unfortunately, you've done the man thing and she did the woman thing. You kinda heard there was a small problem, and ya kinda worked at solving it, but it wasn't major, so you put it off.
She, on the other hand, had a small problem, and resolved it. Most of the time resolving it was trying to get you to see the problem, and hear how it affected her, and expected help resolving it.
When you didn't help, she resolved it. Not in your favor, though, and a little bit of the trust extended was drawn back. This happened every time she had an issue and you blew it off. So she finally made a decision. The relationship was over.
Well, that got your attention, didn't it? So what do you do? Go into male major problem "I'm gonna fix it!" mode. But she's already made the decision, and was just telling you the results.
She's done. It's over. She won't go back. You can't lure her back.
You lost the trust she'd placed in you. Don't believe me? Ask your mentor.
Ask if there's any chance of rebuilding the trust you squandered every time you ignored the small problems she brought to you to fix.
The only shot you have is moving forward. But it won't be with her. I hope you learn stuff from your mentor. He's a great Dom, and can teach you things, if you're actually open to learning.
But what he can't do is restore the trust you've already lost. There was only so much, and it's gone. You can't take it from no where and give it back to her. And you won't move forward in a BDSM relationship without it. Impossible.
So good luck moving forward.
Now, after all this, learn one other thing. You don't 'Know' how anyone feels, unless you've bothered to listen to them telling you how they feel.
I'm not, in your own words, 'pretty pissed at you'. I'm indifferent about you. I never got to know you well enough to have any feelings about you at all. It takes feelings to be angry or pissed at someone. You didn't spend any time trying to get to know me, so I've got nothing invested in you.
Hence the indifference.
Lee